Monday, April 5, 2010

Tryin' to Find Direction

I am having a crisis! Well, maybe I am just being a drama queen, of course.

I feel so uncomfortable with my blogging for some reason. I have been off this blog for a bit, because: 1) I've been having personal issues, and 2) I have been helping a friend get some of her blogs off the ground. Lately I have been feeling the need to gravitate back over here.

Maybe I am having a little crisis because for a while now I have been considering moving my blog over to another blog. I just can't make up my decision.

A couple of years ago, a friend and I were at dinner and I was trying to explore some names for a blog that I wanted to write. I had this compulsion to write about renegade women, and we were trying to come up with names. We love to use the word bad ass when talking about certain women, and so my friend suggested the name bad ass femmes because of our mutual obsession with kick ass women and femme fatales. Although the name doesn't really feel natural to me, I have still been using it. But for about a year, I keep thinking about different names, and I just can't come up with one that calls out to me.

I started this blog, because I admit that I am a major, major workaholic, and I need to have something that would basically force me into exploring some of my interests and reconnecting with literature and books that I want to read outside of the workplace. It's a way to force me into reconnecting with my creativity and some of the topics that make me happy.

I initially thought about writing about literature and biographies of women, but I also have the urge to tell the truth about who I really am. I live compartmentalized lives, where I have to act and wear masks in many different contexts. They always say "It's lonely at the top", and I've learned my lesson in the workplace that I don't tell people much about me. At work, I am close to people, but I don't show many people glimpses of the real me because many of them don't deserve to know the real me.

And then there are people at work who I would really love to get to know better, but I keep myself at a distance because you never know if I am going to be their boss one day. I've already had my share of this situation over the past two years-with one of my close friends and colleagues being placed as my subordinate. It's been working well for the past couple of years, until she started having depression issues and I actually had to write her up. It's all worked itself out, but I feel that we both had to force ourselves into ending a friendship.

I also had a lover for almost eleven years who I cared about very deeply, and about a year ago he was moved under my supervision. We had never really told anyone about our relationship, although people who worked with us years ago were aware of it, but I just couldn't find it in me to open the door about my personal sex life to my superiors. So we decided to end the relationship, and it has sometimes been hard at times to be the supervisor of someone that you had such a close relationship with. It's very difficult to maintain the boundaries between boss and worker when you've had mind-blowing sex with your worker.

And then there are other people who I would really love to get to know, but I am distant from because I don't want to get into the situation where I might have to supervise someone again that I have gotten to close to. It just brings extra baggage that I don't want to deal with in the future. Maybe. I think that the two people that I have had working for me are exceptional people who can handle an equal who suddenly becomes their superior, but I don't think the majority of the population would be able to handle it.

So even though I initially started this blog with the intention of writing about historical women or women in literature, it seems that lately I have had the uncontrollable urge to write about my own personal life because I need an outlet for personal connections with people. I come here to express who I really am, but I just can't figure out if I want to write about it here, or if I should create another blog. Ya know?

I want to be able to write about work issues, finance, politics, books, movies and really anything that I feel like writing about. Not just about women, although much of what I discuss is related to issues of women, so who knows where the hell I should write it.  Sometimes I feel confined here to just writing about women. But then I think that I've always been somewhat unconventional, so why the hell not just write about whatever topic I feel like writing about on my blog?!

I am just going to keep giving myself the time, and I will figure it out.

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