Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Personal Ramblings from a Past Life

I was nineteen years old when you came home from that year long naval trip, bursting through the door and telling me how so desperately some of those Australian girls wanted you all to bring them back home to the good ole USA. What you didn't notice was that I was on the phone with him, and quickly hung up as soon as I heard your voice in the living room.

At the time, I was still icy cold inside from the news that you had recently broken to me-all those hookers in Japan and the United Arab Emirates...the girls you met in Australia...and a few of those young blonds that you were stuck on the ship with.  You have no idea how much I didn't want to be at your welcome home party that evening, but I obligatorily attended with you.

The moment that I saw him that evening, I knew that somehow the shit was going to hit the fan. I just didn't know that it was also going to hit me smack in the face.

The only thing that I remember next is you standing in front of me asking, "So, who is better in bed? Me or him?"

All I can remember is not being able to respond in front of so many people, watching and waiting for my response. Laughing. Egging you on. I haven't been able to erase the image of your hand flying up to my face and hitting me with with an open palm. I remember feeling confused when no one did anything to stop your hand from flying up and hitting me again. No one, but him.

I was so bewildered by the two slaps that I had an instant flashback of the night of our graduation. Me and you, in front of your house with Enrique. For no reason, you suddenly slapped me and I remember turning around in rage and throwing you against the screen door. I kicked you, punched you and effectively kicked your fucking ass until Enrique pulled me off of you.

So it was so very bizarre that I suddenly snapped back into the present at the party and punched you in the nose. And then him, picking me up and carrying me out of there.

Sitting in the car, I just knew that nothing about me would ever be the same.  I had smelled your blood.

The memory of "I'm glad he's dead. Now I can have you and Enriques' attention" has rattled around in my head every time that I have thought about you over the years. I've hated you not so much for what you said, but for all of those years of everything that you did.

I've hated you. Until you called the other day. Calling me to settle a wrong, as you claimed.

I'll admit that I lied to you and I really read all of those letters that came stamped with a California prison stamp. I read every single letter that you have ever sent. And I've hated you.

But the moment that you sat in front of me and said, "In prison I contracted HIV. I want to tell you what an asshole I was to you, and I wish that I could do anything to show you that I am really sorry", all that I could feel was compassion for you. And a sense of loss.

It's a funny feeling not to hate you anymore. 


Anonymous said...

I'm really sorry chula. Thanks for this. Happy late birthday.

Anonymous said...

I always knew that you would be somebody someday. I don't remember sayn that. I'm sorry.

Admin said...

Thank you for stopping by. Sooner or later I will probably write about more, too, just to warn you.

Anonymous said...

its fucking me up that I can't have you. I am selfish like you said. for reason I feel if I get you on a one on one maybe I can win you back. that's my goal and my fantasy and I get a little carried away when we speak. i think maybe. and you when you keep denying me it makes me crazy. I will be honest that I am not used to losing, I dont like that shit. but with you I am losing this battle and I dont know what to do. And I'm sorry that I am coming at you when you are at a happy point in your life but like you said Im selfish. you were the only person who ever loved me and I get afraid of dying alone.

Anonymous said...

Ive been drinking obviously I am pretty fucked up with my own problems as you like to tell me

Its just that for thirteen years I have been kicking myself for doing all the things that I did. and I know that who you were is dead and gone like you told me but I can at least fantasize. I cant help but think who you are today is a diamond

Admin said...

Not happening.

Today I drove past that house on T street that we used to walk down every day after classes. I had a memory of us ditching and going and sitting on the junk out behind the house where you kissed me for the first time. But the funny thing was that the house is completely gone and there is nothing but a field. It was such a strange thing to see the tree and envision the house as it used to be.

I can't believe that last night that you said "I am not the same person that I was 20 years ago when we first met". I just am in shock that we are actually old enough to say that we met 20 years ago. 20 years ago on April 6th, the day after my birthday to be exact.