Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I Don't Feel Like Myself Anymore

I have the urge to write since I haven't been writing anything lately, but I just feel that my mind is currently too scrambled to probably write down a coherent string of thoughts. But I will still try, since I know that writing in the past has been an outlet for me and somewhat of a release valve for whatever frustration or feelings that may be pent up inside.

It's been a bit of time that I have felt that I am just not myself anymore. I don't know who this new woman is, and in a way I don't like her. But in another way I also feel that I am at the point where I am evolving into someone else and that this state of disequilibrium will turn out fine in the end.

I can't even remember when it first started. Looking back something possibly tells me that it began sometime at the end of January, or possibly the beginning of February. I don't even know what event kicked off this new persona who is living inside of my head and body.

Over the past five or six months I have had a crazy series of never ending events that might be contributing to how I am feeling.  I just don't know what exactly is causing this strange feeling that I am feeling inside of not being myself and not knowing who I am anymore.

I feel like I am being haunted by demons. Demons who want to break me and drag me into hell, metaphorically speaking. Demons and cobwebs of secret past lives that I have never really discussed in the online realm, although I may have alluded to with certain people online. The layers and layers of masks that I carry around are becoming all blended and blurred and are starting to all bleed into one another into one big incomprehensible mess.

I've always been a master at compartmentalizing different parts of myself and my psyche, but lately it has become increasingly and increasingly more complex to juggle and manage as each persona that I carry inside seems to be blending into one while some of them disappear.

I probably sound like a loon, but one great thing about me is that I have never really given a shit what anyone thinks about me because I love myself. All I know is that just by writing this that I am instantly feeling better, and I am realizing that my need to sometimes air my own dirty laundry should have been done a couple of months ago before I starting morphing into some woman who I can barely recognize.

Where did this all begin? Was it when the ex from one of my secret lives who I have hated for years showed up on my door step begging for forgiveness and compassion, and letting me know that he contracted HIV a while back and therefore wanted to make amends? I was completely unprepared to feel the feeling of forgiveness that I felt in my heart towards him. It's as if I can hardly even comprehend how easy it was to forgive someone who caused so much fucking devastation in my life.

Or was it when I finally snapped in my heart towards my father a while back? No, that really didn't even make me bat an eye. Perhaps it was when my heart just completely turned off towards my mother when I made the final decision to cut her out of my life on Valentine's Day-the day where I realized that I just can't go on anymore living my life with such a crazy nut in my life.

Maybe though it was when I contracted the flu from my cousin, and although I managed to beat it quickly I also had to take care of my cousin who contracted pneumonia and other complications that debilitated her for almost six weeks. Being sick myself while helping her take care of her little bratty kid while also watching her get fired from her work for being sick was very physically and emotionally taxing, indeed.

I also suspect that having my boyfriend get arrested (but immediately released and not charged) because of his stupid drug addict brother didn't help any. My boyfriend getting fired from his successful job put the icing on the cake for me. But honestly, a part of myself has been frustrated and jealous that my boyfriend walked away from a $ 150, 000 job after whistle blowing corrupt assholes and telling them to suck his dick, while going back to his community activist roots. As he spouts off his mouth in Arizona and organizes for get out the vote, I envy his freedom and am experiencing an internal conflict. This is a topic that I will have to revisit in another post, because it is much more complex than something that can be discussed in one paragraph.

Who knows if it was when another cousin stole money and jewelery from my house, and I effectively wrote my whole huge family off with the exception of only one cousin (who I will get to in a bit, because she is next on the chopping block). It feels liberating, but quite frustrating that I wasted so many years of my life surrounded by family assholes.

Or maybe it's the political aspect of my job that seems to be spiraling out of control, which causes such a deep feeling of disappointment in the democrats because they are actually putting into place what Bush could only write down on paper-the selling out and dismantling of the public education system to asshole corporate and business interests.

I definitely know that knowing at least five people under fifty years old who have passed away in the past five months has not helped a bit.

About two months ago, my ex mentioned to me that it was the 20 year anniversary that I lost my virginity (lol). I finally made a confession to him that I never told him and he apologized for not having known about it. "Don't worry about it. That was twenty years ago", I said.  And ever since that moment that I said "That was twenty years ago",  I have never been the same. It's as if it rocked my world that twenty years passed since a certain bad incident in my life happened, and I have wasted far too many years holding hatred over it. I've never been one to feel bad about getting older-in fact, I celebrate aging because I can aspire to have the wisdom and inner peace that comes along with age. It's just that this was the first time in my life where it has maybe actually finally occurred to me that I am a grown adult, and only four years younger than my mother was when I graduated from high school. It's bizarre and humbling at the same time.

I can go on about a few other crazy events that have happened over the past couple of months, but why bother. All I know is that they have changed me in some way and I don't know if I will ever be the same person that I was six months ago.

Six months ago I worshiped my body like a divinity, exercising, eating well, sleeping well, and the whole gamut. Yet for the past four months or so I barely exercise anymore, I eat crap for food, and I drink and whore around like a damn sailor. Well, maybe I should put that in past tense because ever since last Saturday I hung up my party shoes and am trying to get back into the stellar shape that I used to be.

The truth of the matter is that it has not been just a bad six months. It's been a bad three years where certain people tried to wear me down and break me. And so logically the craziness of these last five months have just almost pushed me over the edge into almost making me snap and break.

But I won't. Because I am a fighter. And I am a resilient.

In reality I have always been a fighter and I have kicked, scratched and clawed my way up through the mud that people have dragged me through my whole life. It just happened to get increasingly worse three years ago once I got promoted.

But now I am sick of tired of living a life where every idiot around me tries to dull my brilliance because they project their inadequacy and weakness onto me. I'm tired of living a life of people telling me that something can't be done or something isn't realistic for me to do. I'm tired of pitching ideas to people who label me as unrealistic, only to find that five to eight years later my once "unrealistic" idea is the cutting edge trend. I'm tired of being too innovative for my profession. And I'm tired of making myself stay in it because I have a unrealistic perception that what I am doing might just make a difference with a few kids and will make this community a better place.

So here I am, not knowing what the hell is wrong with me, but knowing deep down inside that I am going to come out a better woman for it. It's just that I am kicking, screaming and resisting changing certain aspects of myself that I really love and cherish, but that I also know maybe might not be who I really should be. And honestly I don't even know if that makes any sense.

So here I go, trying to embrace this process of change. Who knows where I will end up, or if I will ever get the woman back that I have been for most of my adult years or if I am on a totally different path towards the unknown.

Only time will tell, I suppose.


Meg at Demanding Joy said...

I'm so sorry that you're going through a tough time. It seems that the world gangs up on us sometimes. I have also purged some toxic family members from my life recently. It's not easy, but it is worth it. Don't forget to nurture yourself during these hard days.

Sending you positive thoughts and a big hug.

Al_Pal said...

Yowch. Tough times.
Best wishes.