Sunday, April 18, 2010

I Feel Like I am Split Into Competing Parts of My Whole

First and foremost, I have to apologize if anything that I say sounds jumbled and nonsensical, as I just so happen to be intoxicated at the moment. What better thought while inebriated than the uncontrollable urge to blog something, right? We'll see when I'm sober tomorrow.

I've been sitting here and thoughts are quickly swirling of the two separate work and private lives that I maintain. Swirling around and back and forth so much that my head is starting to feel dizzy and confused. And my soul feels deeply sad and depressed.

I feel like I am split into competing parts of my whole.

And one of the main questions that has been incessantly beating at the back of my brain this afternoon is... why is it that one part of who I am is disparaged and ridiculed in one situation while the same part of myself is admired and celebrated in another context?

For example, I am the type of woman who is verbally uninhibited and I tend to typically say whatever it is that I am truly thinking at the moment. This is sometimes admired in the workplace by some people, but generally speaking it has been more of a flaw or burden that I've had to endure. People try to suppress my outspokenness and I have had to face sometimes almost unbearable obstacles because I just can't learn to keep my damn mouth shut.

However, when I am in the online context or in personal life with close friends, my outspokenness and verbal inhibition are embraced. The same crazy thing that I said that offended people in one context cause other people to laugh in another context. And my private self is so much more important to me, and I sometimes yearn to live this sense of myself every single day and in every single context.

I've sometimes questioned as to whether I allow people to silence or censor me in the workplace. After careful thought though I've come to the conclusion that most people in my work context don't even deserve to see who I really am in my core. Maybe I really only want to go so far with them, and reserve who I really am for people like you who are in my private life.

So what the fuck is my point?

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