Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I am Now Pronounced "Me, Myself and I"

I have decided to take a mini-break from my previously planned "raising feminist children" mini-series in order to celebrate the biggest, baddest bitch that I've ever known. Me!!

Why am I excited about myself, you ask? Well, frankly, because I thumbed my nose at society and married myself this weekend. Let me tell you all about it and how my idea got started:

Years ago I remember watching a Sex in the City episode when Carrie went to a baby shower (?). When she entered her friends house, she had to take off her very expensive shoes and leave them by the door. At the end of the party her shoes were missing and her friend gave her an ugly pair of shoes to wear.

Weeks passed and the shoes were nowhere to be found. Her friend didn't even seem to be concerned about it one bit. One day, Carrie went to her friend's house to inquire about the shoes and her friend offered to pay for the shoes. When her friend found out that the shoes cost approximately $400 dollars, her friend told her that she would not pay for such an extravagant waste of money. "I'm a mother now and it's irresponsible to pay that much for shoes," the bitch said.

Carrie went home and thought long and hard about all of the gifts that she had given her friend all the years-the bridal shower, the wedding gift, the babyshowers, blablabla. She asked herself, "What about those of us who never get married? We just don't count in anyone else's eyes. Besides graduating from college, when do we ever have the chance to be celebrated?"

Carrie went to the shoe store and registered herself for the very same shoes that she lost. She then called her friend and said that she was marrying herself and that her friend could buy her a gift at a particular shoe store. When the friend arrived at the store, she paid for Carrie's "wedding gift", which just so happened to be the $400 dollar pair of shoes.

Ever since I saw that show I thought, "Damn right. What about those of us who don't ever want to be married?? What type of day do we get to have all of our friends show up and celebrate?" It was then and there that I decided to marry myself. This was almost 6 years ago.

Six years have passed and my friends and I have always jokingly planned my wedding. It was not until last week when a few of my friends flew in from out of the country and challenged me to pull off the wedding while we were all in town. Well, I am one competitive bitch and I don't take challenges lightly. So, we planned a wedding. I wasn't going to say anything about it online because I like to keep some things private, but I just couldn't control my excitement so I spilled the beans.

Saturday all of my non-bridesmaids assembled in their sexy black dresses. A few of my male friends, and my long-term boyfriend, were also non-bridesgrooms. I registered for gifts (mostly books...but of course). I walked myself down the aisle to the song "Independent Woman" by Beyonce (or whatever her old group was called). When I got to the front of the room, my professor gave a speech about how I would vow to love myself, always be independent, strive for continual self development, etc. I put on my Goddess tiara that my friends gave me for my birthday, instead of a ring because frankly I didn't have time to buy myself a ring.

Afterwards we had a fabulous dinner and reception. When the reception began, I burst into the room to the song "Brick House", and I most definitely had cleavage to die for. I drank and partied and danced all night long. Sunday and Monday I took myself on a honeymoon (and I invited my boyfriend along).

Ha, what a fabulous experience. I also figure that this was my three-year-belated 30th birthday celebration, because on my 30th birthday I was sitting in a stupid ass quantitative methodology/statistics class and I was pretty much having a nervous breakdown over the PhD program. I figure I had to make up for lost time.

It's been brought to my attention that it's a good thing that I did this so quickly because knowing just how fucked up the state of California is regarding marriage equality, it will probably be any day now that a proposition is put up on the ballot that some of us bad ass bitches can't have commitment ceremonies to ourselves.

Sound bizarre to you? I hope so. That's what I strive for in life-to think outside of the box.
Written by Anarela de Rossi

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Nine Tomatoes said...


Ariana said...

i LOVE this. it makes me want to marry me!

Wicked Bitch, Latina Fatale said...

I highly recommend it. And then take yourself on a honeymoon! You will really love yourself!