If This is Me Being a Wack Job, Then It's Obvious That You Are a Total Idiot

I'm super entertained with something that recently happened to me on twitter, so I just thought I would put it down in writing. The reason why I am so entertained is because I was actually on my best behavior (and some of you who know me well will know exactly what I am talking about in a minute), yet I was labeled a wack job by none other than a petty, meddling woman.

Yesterday I tweeted that I went to dinner with a number of married women and one began to lecture me about not being married. One of the main culprits is actually married to a low life pissant who does nothing to help her at home or take care of the children. So logically I was quite irritated when she continued to lecture me over and over that she was sooooo worried that I am not married. Poor little ole me.

As I sat there I began to get increasingly irritated because I have had it up to here with women who want to shove their lifestyle down my throat and delegitimize my lifestyle, since I have been in a pretty happy relationship with a man for over 13 years. I tried to calmly explain to this woman that I am just fine, that I am happy, and that I don't really want to be married because I am just fine with my relationship. I'm of the persuasion that I don't need a piece of paper or ceremony in order to be committed. Plus, I made a decision long ago that out of solidarity for my love of the gay and lesbian community, that I will never marry until they have the right to do so. But then again I probably still wouldn't get married.

I tried to calmly explain all of this to her, and then I just had enough of her condescending attitude and I said, "Why don't you worry about your lazy ass husband who doesn't lift a finger to help you instead of being so concerned about my relationship?"

When I got home I tweeted about this situation and I said:

Me: I am convinced that married women who are miserable want U to be married so that we can all be miserable together

One of my followers responded that she shared my sentiment about some people forcing the marriage issue on those of us who choose not to be married. Apparently she retweeted me, and apparently one of her followers responded to both of us. She said:

Her: misery does love company but there are some of us mrs who have amazing marriages ... we want you to have that too!

Now, this borderlines on more or less the same thing that I was frustrated with over dinner--some married people who unintentionally or intentionally want to shove marriage down our throats. I was going to be a bitch, but then I figured that I didn't even know who this lady was, so I just figured that I would bite my tongue, but still state my opinion. Because that's what I do-state my opinion and engage in dialogue. So I said:

Me: why? I've been in a happy relationship for over 13 years. Why assume that I have to be married to be as happy as you??

I was speaking generally, and if I really wanted to be aggressive, most of you who know me well know that I would have been happy to be a total bitch if I wanted.

Nonetheless, she responded:

Her: simmer down now! no assumptions made just said that people generally what you to have what they have good or bad ...

Her: defensive much?!

The "defensive much" comment was slightly irritating, but since I like and respect the woman who had originally retweeted my tweet, I figured that I wouldn't give this lady a tongue lashing. (I should have known by then that the person who had sent me a tweet is too mentally dense to be able to engage in a discussion about this topic). But I did decide to state my opinion and I said:

 

Me: I don't. I don't want ppl to want what I have. I could really care less how people live their lives.

Because I DON'T care. It's none of my business how people decide to live their lives.  I've never in my life tried to impose my relationship on someone, or wish people to have a relationship like mine. Because frankly I have better things to think about, and I know that some people wouldn't be happy with my style of relationship. Then she said:

Her: dial back the hostility and perhaps he'll put a ring on it ... sorry couldn't resist

Hostility? This bitch ain't seen nothin' yet. I'm hostile because I say that I could care less with how other people live their lives? Shit, I'm not a match maker! So I finally decided to tell her that I thought she was condescending, although I was still on my best behavior:

Me: thats the condescending attitude I am talking about. I dont want or need a ring to be in committed relationship

She said: 

Her: you sure are right you don't need a ring to be committed some people like you just require a straight jacket! #whackjob

I said:

Me: and frankly, to assume that I'm hostile because I say I don't need a ring is quite ignorant

The she said: 

Her: I am definitely NOT ignorant ... you're just a hostile, negative, toxic person - with or without a ring or a man

And then suddenly, as if we were in high school, she tweets a couple of other people about me being a wack job. Um, and who the hell are these new people? As if I give a shit about them.  Oh you have no idea how entertained I am, because you have no idea what kind of good behavior I was on. Well, maybe some of you do. She said:

Her: @OurDesignedLife  @ZiaPriven this total #whackjob @wickedbitch chimed in something I said to @MsAnneK & went ape shit

Ape shit? If ape shit is defined by me saying that I don't care about how other people live their life, then I guess I am guilty as charged. What is triple entertaining to me is the "I responded to so and so and she attacked me"-although her stupid ass was the first person to contact me and start throwing blows with making statements about the "maybe if you do x, y, and x then he will marry you" silliness.

This only supports my theory that women who try to shove the "I want you to be married so that you can be as happy as me" are nothing but petty women doing nothing more than attempting to disguise their misery by acting as if their way of living is superior than or more normal than those of us who choose not to marry but live as single women or live in unmarried, committed relationships.

For a tiny minute, I thought, "And why the hell am I a feminist again when they are far too many petty, condescending bitches like this in the world?" But then I remembered that there are tons of cool married women who don't act like the beforementioned asshole and I set my mind straight. 

P.S. to the assholes: Go ahead and leave your highschoolesque comments if you chose. I don't give a shit. In fact, you are quite the entertainment.

So Why Again Do you Like Being Single, Freak???

I've definitely never have been a Danielle Steel fan, but this morning on Good Morning America (or whatever show I was watching) I was quite impressed when I heard that she has sold over half a million copies of all her books, and that all of her books have been on the bestseller list. So I'll qualify her today as a bad ass, although she writes stupid romantic books. And by the way I'm making an assumption that she writes stupid romantic books, because I've only read one stupid romantic book of hers when I was a teenager and I'm just making an assumption they are all like that. So what the hell do I really know? But talking crap about shit that I know nothing about seems to be a habit of mine when I am raging from major PMS.

One thing though that really irritated me about the whole interview was that although she has sold bestseller titles of every single book that she has written, the interviewer began talking about her nine children (or was it six) and then suddenly turned to the topic of her being divorced.

This is me paraphrasing my shady memory of the conversation:

"So I heard that you like being single. Why is that?" the interviewer asked with what I perceived as a condescending smile on her face. Well, because as you know, those of us who actually like being single MUST be freaks.

"Because I'm able to do what I want, when I want. I can eat what I want. I can wear what I want and don't have to listen to someone complaining about my dress. I can have friends and not have someone complaining that they don't like my friends", Danielle Steel said. Now remember, I am paraphrasing from my PMS and forgetful memory, but at least I'm getting the general gist across of the discussion.

The interviewer then launched into a discussion of Danielle Steel going on blind dates. And the entire time I just felt like there was a subtle air of condescension in the tone of her voice.

Why do I really give a shit about Danielle Steel being single? And I can't even remember the last time that I heard someone ask a man to justify why they enjoyed being single. Why the hell would you even ask someone WHY they enjoy being single if they in fact had stated that they enjoyed being single? The whole act of asking someone for clarification as to WHY they enjoy singlehood subtly implies that there is something abnormal about enjoying being single.

What they should have been discussing is the new book that Steel was there to promote, or maybe about how damn genius she must be to crank out three books at a time and still achieve best seller status with every title. But no, none of that really matters because we've got to discuss why exactly Steel likes being single.

Rock on Danielle and keep writing your silly (I think. But what do I know?) bestselling books!

Sing it Sista: PMS Blues

Okay mujeres and hombres, yours truly is singing this song today at the top of my lungs. Sing it sista! OMG I love the lyrics to this song!



Watch out!

I Don't Feel Like Myself Anymore

I have the urge to write since I haven't been writing anything lately, but I just feel that my mind is currently too scrambled to probably write down a coherent string of thoughts. But I will still try, since I know that writing in the past has been an outlet for me and somewhat of a release valve for whatever frustration or feelings that may be pent up inside.

It's been a bit of time that I have felt that I am just not myself anymore. I don't know who this new woman is, and in a way I don't like her. But in another way I also feel that I am at the point where I am evolving into someone else and that this state of disequilibrium will turn out fine in the end.

I can't even remember when it first started. Looking back something possibly tells me that it began sometime at the end of January, or possibly the beginning of February. I don't even know what event kicked off this new persona who is living inside of my head and body.

Over the past five or six months I have had a crazy series of never ending events that might be contributing to how I am feeling.  I just don't know what exactly is causing this strange feeling that I am feeling inside of not being myself and not knowing who I am anymore.

I feel like I am being haunted by demons. Demons who want to break me and drag me into hell, metaphorically speaking. Demons and cobwebs of secret past lives that I have never really discussed in the online realm, although I may have alluded to with certain people online. The layers and layers of masks that I carry around are becoming all blended and blurred and are starting to all bleed into one another into one big incomprehensible mess.

I've always been a master at compartmentalizing different parts of myself and my psyche, but lately it has become increasingly and increasingly more complex to juggle and manage as each persona that I carry inside seems to be blending into one while some of them disappear.

I probably sound like a loon, but one great thing about me is that I have never really given a shit what anyone thinks about me because I love myself. All I know is that just by writing this that I am instantly feeling better, and I am realizing that my need to sometimes air my own dirty laundry should have been done a couple of months ago before I starting morphing into some woman who I can barely recognize.

Where did this all begin? Was it when the ex from one of my secret lives who I have hated for years showed up on my door step begging for forgiveness and compassion, and letting me know that he contracted HIV a while back and therefore wanted to make amends? I was completely unprepared to feel the feeling of forgiveness that I felt in my heart towards him. It's as if I can hardly even comprehend how easy it was to forgive someone who caused so much fucking devastation in my life.

Or was it when I finally snapped in my heart towards my father a while back? No, that really didn't even make me bat an eye. Perhaps it was when my heart just completely turned off towards my mother when I made the final decision to cut her out of my life on Valentine's Day-the day where I realized that I just can't go on anymore living my life with such a crazy nut in my life.

Maybe though it was when I contracted the flu from my cousin, and although I managed to beat it quickly I also had to take care of my cousin who contracted pneumonia and other complications that debilitated her for almost six weeks. Being sick myself while helping her take care of her little bratty kid while also watching her get fired from her work for being sick was very physically and emotionally taxing, indeed.

I also suspect that having my boyfriend get arrested (but immediately released and not charged) because of his stupid drug addict brother didn't help any. My boyfriend getting fired from his successful job put the icing on the cake for me. But honestly, a part of myself has been frustrated and jealous that my boyfriend walked away from a $ 150, 000 job after whistle blowing corrupt assholes and telling them to suck his dick, while going back to his community activist roots. As he spouts off his mouth in Arizona and organizes for get out the vote, I envy his freedom and am experiencing an internal conflict. This is a topic that I will have to revisit in another post, because it is much more complex than something that can be discussed in one paragraph.

Who knows if it was when another cousin stole money and jewelery from my house, and I effectively wrote my whole huge family off with the exception of only one cousin (who I will get to in a bit, because she is next on the chopping block). It feels liberating, but quite frustrating that I wasted so many years of my life surrounded by family assholes.

Or maybe it's the political aspect of my job that seems to be spiraling out of control, which causes such a deep feeling of disappointment in the democrats because they are actually putting into place what Bush could only write down on paper-the selling out and dismantling of the public education system to asshole corporate and business interests.

I definitely know that knowing at least five people under fifty years old who have passed away in the past five months has not helped a bit.

About two months ago, my ex mentioned to me that it was the 20 year anniversary that I lost my virginity (lol). I finally made a confession to him that I never told him and he apologized for not having known about it. "Don't worry about it. That was twenty years ago", I said.  And ever since that moment that I said "That was twenty years ago",  I have never been the same. It's as if it rocked my world that twenty years passed since a certain bad incident in my life happened, and I have wasted far too many years holding hatred over it. I've never been one to feel bad about getting older-in fact, I celebrate aging because I can aspire to have the wisdom and inner peace that comes along with age. It's just that this was the first time in my life where it has maybe actually finally occurred to me that I am a grown adult, and only four years younger than my mother was when I graduated from high school. It's bizarre and humbling at the same time.

I can go on about a few other crazy events that have happened over the past couple of months, but why bother. All I know is that they have changed me in some way and I don't know if I will ever be the same person that I was six months ago.

Six months ago I worshiped my body like a divinity, exercising, eating well, sleeping well, and the whole gamut. Yet for the past four months or so I barely exercise anymore, I eat crap for food, and I drink and whore around like a damn sailor. Well, maybe I should put that in past tense because ever since last Saturday I hung up my party shoes and am trying to get back into the stellar shape that I used to be.

The truth of the matter is that it has not been just a bad six months. It's been a bad three years where certain people tried to wear me down and break me. And so logically the craziness of these last five months have just almost pushed me over the edge into almost making me snap and break.

But I won't. Because I am a fighter. And I am a resilient.

In reality I have always been a fighter and I have kicked, scratched and clawed my way up through the mud that people have dragged me through my whole life. It just happened to get increasingly worse three years ago once I got promoted.

But now I am sick of tired of living a life where every idiot around me tries to dull my brilliance because they project their inadequacy and weakness onto me. I'm tired of living a life of people telling me that something can't be done or something isn't realistic for me to do. I'm tired of pitching ideas to people who label me as unrealistic, only to find that five to eight years later my once "unrealistic" idea is the cutting edge trend. I'm tired of being too innovative for my profession. And I'm tired of making myself stay in it because I have a unrealistic perception that what I am doing might just make a difference with a few kids and will make this community a better place.

So here I am, not knowing what the hell is wrong with me, but knowing deep down inside that I am going to come out a better woman for it. It's just that I am kicking, screaming and resisting changing certain aspects of myself that I really love and cherish, but that I also know maybe might not be who I really should be. And honestly I don't even know if that makes any sense.

So here I go, trying to embrace this process of change. Who knows where I will end up, or if I will ever get the woman back that I have been for most of my adult years or if I am on a totally different path towards the unknown.

Only time will tell, I suppose.

Treat Yourself: Women's Pajamas!

There is probably something that you don't know about me, and that secret is that I am an addict of women's pajamas! I love pajamas of all types, and I really look forward to coming home after a long day of work in order to slip into a comfortable, relaxing, or sexy pair of pajamas. So logically I was pretty pleased when I came upon a website where you can buy women's pajamas of various styles!! It was like being in womens pajamas heaven!

At www.womenspajamas.com, you can find over 1, 000 different types of pajamas for women ranging from flannel pajamas to sexy pajamas. The site is easily organized, which makes for an easy navigation in order to find the best pajamas that suit your particular personality. There is also a wide range of prices available, from lower priced to top of the line lines of pajamas for women.

I honestly feel like I am a kid in a candy shop because I am dazzled with all the cute colors and variations! I just can't figure out which pajamas I want first! I want all of them!

"You Better Learn to Have Nerves of Steel"

In January I blogged about an up and coming Latina teacher who was young, talented and ambitious. At the time she was sitting in my office, crying her little heart out because her principal and vice principal weren't helping her with her leadership potential or a leadership project that she had to complete for one of her classes.

I eventually had to intervene, and assisted with her to put in a couple of transfers to some other schools which would allow her to better develop her potential. I contacted two principals and told them that she was putting in a transfer to their sites and that I recommended her. I don't particularly care for one of the principals because she often tries to make herself seem like she is better or more knowledgeable than me. But it's not about my relationship with this lady, and I recommended this young teacher to transfer to her school because I have heard that she is pretty competent and I also think that she would be a good role model as a Latina manager.

About a week ago, I ran into the principal that I really don't care for and she said loudly in front of other managers, "I thought that you said Elisa (pseudonym) was the best of the best. Didn't you highly recommend her? Well, I just interviewed her". And she squinted her face.

"She has a lot of potential," I said.

"A lot of potential? I thought you said that you highly recommended her! I mean, she looked really well on paper, but her interview was another thing. Didn't you highly recommend her?" she asked.

I said, "What are you talking about? So she's shy-so what. She has a lot of potential and I thought that you would have appreciated that I recommended her to you". Our meeting suddenly began and so we stopped discussing the topic.

Today the young teacher made an appointment with me because she wanted feedback on a project that she is working on for her leadership class. At one point in the conversation, I asked, "So, what have been some unintended outcomes that you have learned as a result of the project? Have you learned anything specifically regarding your own personal development?"

And she started crying hysterically once again. She suddenly blurted out, "Everyone tries to make me feel stupid. Even the other day when I was at the interview with that principal, she was really intimidating and condescending to me. She talked down to me the entire time and I started thinking that what I was saying was stupid".

(Note to self: Don't ever, ever, ever, ever again put a fragile girl like this in a situation such as this. Why, why, oh why did you actually think that if this principal is insecure with you, that she wouldn't be insecure with another woman?)

The young teacher continued to try not to make herself cry, and she admitted that as a result of the environment that she has been in for two years at a certain school that she has now started to see a counselor. "That's good," I suggested. "We all need to talk to somebody".

But as our meeting went on, I began to understand that her difficulties are so much more than the simple explanation that her feelings are being hurt. In fact, she's being blocked and undermined everywhere she goes.

Her Latino family puts her down and makes her ambition into a joke at family functions. Many people in her extended family put her down for going to school, for getting multiple degrees and for wanting to be a leader. My advice to her? "Stop telling them things. Who gives a fuck what they think. Don't go around them much. Don't let them project their insecurities onto you".

Her next issue? She has been taught to respect authority as a Latina, and to feel Latina and Catholic guilt that I'm sure many Latina/os know exactly what I'm talking about. My advice: "I don't know what to tell you, girl. Stop being apologetic, and mimic what the white folk do and say, as well as how they act sometimes. They have no problem with being assertive.  Don't silence yourself. But you better recognize that what is labeled as assertive when a white person does it will be labeled as aggressive when coming from you. Just suck it up and don't let it bother you."

At the end of our meeting I told her, "You have a triple burden. You are an ambitious woman, so they will try to hold you back.  You are a Latina, so you will face racism. And you are also going to have to get shit from your very own family and Latino community, many of whom will try to put you down as well. You better learn to have nerves of steel".

So she went on her merry little way, quite happy and content. But all evening there has been a nagging feeling in my head that there are so many women out there who don't have support systems and mentors to help them achieve their full potential. If it's not that, it's the fact that they have men or family members in their lives who aren't pulling their weight and are holding them back from achieving their dreams.

Women of color have an even more uphill battle because they have to fight against all of the typical obstacles, as well as navigate in a system that is not responsive to diversity. We have to fight against the typical bullshit that all successful women have to face, but we're also have to fight against racism and bigotry. And we also sometimes have to fight against some of our own families and communities.

But we can all move forward if we continue to mentor one another and build one another up when the world is constantly trying to tear all of us down.

Who Needs the KKK When You Have Arizona?

Is this what the governor of Arizona wore when she went to sign the immigration act that institutionalizes legal racial profiling against the Latino population? Or does she just wear this in her secret meetings? (Please feel free to post this pic to any of your blogs or social networks!)

I'm Not Here to Entertain Your Sorry Ass

I'm not here to fucking entertain anyone. I am not on twitter to fucking entertain anyone. I blog and play on twitter because quite frankly I have no inner monologue and am always tempted to just say whatever is on my mind.

I've always hated when other people act like it's my fucking job to entertain them. It's long been one of my pet peeves when people get into the "smile..it can't be that bad" type of crap with me. Ever since I was a little kid my mother used to get really mad at me when I didn't smile much in pictures. I can remember back as early as seven years old when my grandmother used to sarcastically whine, "Smiiiillleee" when she was taking my pictures. When I would force myself to smile, my mother would get mad because she said that it looked forced and it made it look as if I was constipated and sitting on a toilet.

Later when I got older, I can recall being in bars and men would constantly tell me to smmmmiiiiilllleee. Other than my mother and grandmother, it's mainly been men who feel that they can walk up to me and say, "Smile; it can't be that bad". I used to tolerate it, but now I smartassedly say, "Why, am I here to fucking entertain you?" That usually shuts them up.

I don't really care to smile, thank you very fucking much. 

I love to engage and speak with people online, and every once in a while I get a man who actually acts as if I am on this planet to fucking entertain him. In one of my alternative lives that one of my multiple personalities has lived, I have played in the online fetish scene and every once in a while I would get men who would love to tell me that I was not mean enough, not this enough, not that enough. As if I am on Earth to stand on a stage and act in a play for them.

Today on twitter I got a tweet from a man that said: you have competition on BITCHIEST TWIT from @SnobsandBitches and @Pfro. Have fun cat fighting girls!

And for some reason this message just pissed me the hell off. I am not accustomed to jumping into a catfight with another woman to apparently entertain a man. I don't appreciate ANY MAN who tries to pit women against one another. AND I most especially do not like being called a girl. Asshole.

One of the women responded and she said: My humble opinion,anyone such as @WickedBitch who lists 1,744 followers & claims to represent the personification of Wickedness, has a credibility issue.  

Um, okay, whoever the hell you are with your 22 followers. Frankly I don't give a fuck how many followers I have. I don't even follow people usually until they engage with me, because most people tend to follow me and sometimes don't understand what they are getting into. And...I'm not exactly sure where this dumb ass read that I am claiming the personification of wickedness. My name on twitter is WickedBitch, because I like the damn book "Wicked" and as a feminist I claim and own the term "Bitch". So, uh, whatever.

I'm not on a stage to fake being a bitch for anyone. Sometimes I am a mean, sadistic bitch. But other times I am a kind hearted person. So don't expect to snap your fingers and have me play bitch for you, dickheads.  

My second opinion on all of this is: I can't fucking stand women who pit themselves against other women. I mean, I will occasionally go after some right wing bitch after she has said something stupid, but that really is rare. About a week ago a right wing conservative bitch wrote something about liberals supporting late term abortions because they know that most babies aborted are black babies. So I beat the shit out of her verbally for saying something stupid like that. 

I am a damn feminist, and I tend to only bitch slap another woman if she truly needs it and deserves it. I can't stand women who are jealous little asses and who try to throw hardballs at other women. A big sign of insecurity, in my opinion.  


So the next man who thinks that he is going to get me to roll around and have a catfight with a woman for his entertainment, as if I am a damn naked mud wrestler, should just kiss my fucking ass in advance.

Story of My Life

I think that in the past I might have mentioned that I am getting an award next week at work. If I didn't, well now you know. I've never been a person to really care about getting stuff like awards or recognition, because I have passion for what I do and I don't need anyone to recognize me for something that I am passionate about. It's just that I have had a really rough couple of months, and really a past horrible year practically, as all of this education crisis is just going to hell in a hand basket. So in a sense I feel that it is relieving to know that all the hell that I have been going through is at least recognized by someone.

I haven't really said anything to anyone about getting the award, because I am not the type of person to toot my own horn. The other day though my female colleague (who is equal and another manager in my department, and who actually used to be my mentor in my second or third year of teaching) found out that I was given the award from my boss. "I have never gotten an award", she whined to me. I mean, really, who says this kind of stuff to someone? I never have.

I mentioned to her that my boss has stated that she was given an award like five years ago. "That was a long time ago," she whined.

I just sat there and thought "Story of my life", because it just seems that far too many people in the workplace are too damn insecure and they always try to knock down successful women. 

She then went on to tell me that lately she has been considering moving up to another position, but wasn't sure if she would be able to move up without having done x, y, and z in her career. I said, "Why not? X (the boss) tells me all the time that they would pick us up in an instant if we applied to the job".

"He's never told me that," she said. Shit. I didn't even know what to say. I lied and said, "Well, he's told me that we both will get promoted if we apply".

Yesterday I presented with her to a couple of managers, and half way through the presentation it seemed like many of the other managers began to direct their questions and comments towards me. I began to wonder if I was too dominant, so I actually sat down at some points because I thought that it would put attention on her when she was presenting. However, some of the managers even turned around in their seats to talk with me and ask questions throughout the meeting.

I can't help it if I am confident with myself and my presentation skills, while she stands up there with notes in her hand and paces nervously back and forth. Am I supposed to feel guilty that I have internalized what we are presenting and that I don't require notes?

Today she came up to me and said that she didn't appreciate that the managers were talking to me, and not to her. Here we go again.

Then, this morning my boss called me in and told me that they would be putting me on an important committee and that I needed to stay late after our management meeting to discuss the details. During our meeting, she walked up to us and asked me, "What is this meeting? Why am I not invited?" Uh.

After the meeting, I went to my boss and asked why she wasn't involved. He shrugged and said that they didn't choose her to work on the project. I opened my mouth to tell him that I didn't think that it was fair and I was about to ask him if he could pull some strings to get her involved, but then I decided against it because honestly it is not my responsibility to have someone included in something, especially someone who is acting so insecure.

I talked to my boss about the past couple of weeks, and I told him about how I had mentioned to her that he always encourages us to apply for a promotion. "I don't tell her that," he said and just stared at me.

On my way driving home I felt bad for her and I almost called my boss to ask if he could get her included in the project, but I had to stop myself from doing so. Why the hell am I feeling guilty because I bust my ass and work had to be good at what I do??

Honestly, I don't know what my point is. I just feel frustrated because I hate when my colleagues begin to become insecure around me. This is what has been happening over the past couple of years--it seems that I begin to outgrow some of my colleagues and the majority of them respond in an insecure way. I literally used to stifle my talent because I hated the way that insecure people act, and I never want to be accused of being full of myself. It's a fine line between being humble and actually dulling your brilliance, though. I'm getting tired of stifling myself and holding myself back because other people can't handle it.

I'm not going to hold myself back anymore. I suppose that this is why they say that it is lonely at the top. Is this how it will always be, or am I in a toxic environment? Are people always insecure by the success of other people?

I Feel Like I am Split Into Competing Parts of My Whole

First and foremost, I have to apologize if anything that I say sounds jumbled and nonsensical, as I just so happen to be intoxicated at the moment. What better thought while inebriated than the uncontrollable urge to blog something, right? We'll see when I'm sober tomorrow.

I've been sitting here and thoughts are quickly swirling of the two separate work and private lives that I maintain. Swirling around and back and forth so much that my head is starting to feel dizzy and confused. And my soul feels deeply sad and depressed.

I feel like I am split into competing parts of my whole.

And one of the main questions that has been incessantly beating at the back of my brain this afternoon is... why is it that one part of who I am is disparaged and ridiculed in one situation while the same part of myself is admired and celebrated in another context?

For example, I am the type of woman who is verbally uninhibited and I tend to typically say whatever it is that I am truly thinking at the moment. This is sometimes admired in the workplace by some people, but generally speaking it has been more of a flaw or burden that I've had to endure. People try to suppress my outspokenness and I have had to face sometimes almost unbearable obstacles because I just can't learn to keep my damn mouth shut.

However, when I am in the online context or in personal life with close friends, my outspokenness and verbal inhibition are embraced. The same crazy thing that I said that offended people in one context cause other people to laugh in another context. And my private self is so much more important to me, and I sometimes yearn to live this sense of myself every single day and in every single context.

I've sometimes questioned as to whether I allow people to silence or censor me in the workplace. After careful thought though I've come to the conclusion that most people in my work context don't even deserve to see who I really am in my core. Maybe I really only want to go so far with them, and reserve who I really am for people like you who are in my private life.

So what the fuck is my point?

Office Politics, Part II

I've blogged in the past about this lady at work who is driving me absolutely crazy. For years she was used to running the show and people rarely questioned her at the time. Ever since I first met her, she tried to initially be nice to me (when I was not at her level) but I always sensed that she did not like me one bit.

I've already blogged about how a couple of months ago she left me out of important meetings, and when all hell broke loose with an issue I had to email her for clarification. You can read about it on my post "Confessions of an Office Politics Queen". She put me on email blast that all the other managers were doing their job, and I simply wasn't because I wasn't at a series of important meeting. So I blasted her back, telling everyone including her boss that I didn't appreciate that she was saying that I wasn't doing my job, and I would have loved to have participated in the project if she would have invited me to the damn thing.

After my confrontation with her, she's been kissing my ass. But I'm not stupid, and I know that she is just counting her days until she can undermine and discredit me in one way or the other. Ever since I had the smack down with her, we have both butted heads in a project that I am working on and she has actually won a few of the battles because I decided that I am going to try to be strategic and only fight certain battles. And hopefully she will start to think that I am weak and not as politically savvy as I am. I am much younger than her, and I know that sometimes she thinks that I am so much more naive than I really am.

Right after our fight, I started to notice that a few of her employees began to talk to me very disrespectfully. I immediately noticed it and initially was going to give them a smack down too, but I decided that they are little pissants and so why bother even wasting any energy on them. Some of my employees started to notice and began to get bothered. I'll admit that when it first started happening that I was as pissed as hell, but then I decided that it is just indicative of the fact that she is talking bad about me to her employees.

This situation has made it very difficult for me at work over the past couple of months. She is pretty savvy and is being very strategic in trying to discredit me. So sometimes I have been a little worried, but I just have to trust in my instincts that if I play stupid for enough time then she will slip up and seriously underestimate me.

The other day she included me in an important meeting for this coming Tuesday. Oh, yay, great-I thought that we were finally making progress since we all had to have someone meet with us as an mediator to talk about how everyone needs to coordinate all of the managers' schedules so that all stakeholders are present at certain meetings. So she booked me and other managers in my department for an important meeting.

But THEN suddenly yesterday she sent an email to everyone else that she was going to have a very important meeting on the same date and that it was imperative that key personnel were there. And it is a very important meeting, where important decisions will be made. And SHE is the person who scheduled all of the managers in my department for another meeting on the very same day. This bitch is savvy, and she knows exactly what she is doing-acting like we have a scheduling conflict so that she can push her agenda through while we are not there.

I sent her an email stating that since managers in my department are "key personnel" that we should also be included in the meeting and that her meeting should be rescheduled since there is a scheduling conflict. I received no response.

So I have had it hasta la madre (up to HERE!). This bitch is so smart, and so savvy, yet one flaw about her is that I think that she might be seriously underestimating ME. Sometimes I am so frustrated how she talks to me and acts as if I am stupid, but I've got to learn to redirect my frustration and encourage her to continue to underestimate me. Because she has yet to see that I am truly capable of pulling off an undercover smackdown of epic proportions.

What is so frustrating to me though is that she is so smart that I suspect that she dupes our superiors as to what a big asshole she is. I actually think that some people might suspect that she is very nice, kind, and inclusive. So I have to brainstorm a way that I can expose her to our superiors, without seeming like I am a whiny person or a malcontent. That is going to be a very difficult balancing act.

This weekend I will be plotting, planning and strategizing as to how I am going to pull this off. I am going to go about this the professional way, but I also have plotted a diabolically unethical plan that sooner or later I might have to utilize. I am going to use it as my last resort (and trust me, it is taking all my energy not to enact this plan because it is sooooo delicious).