Switch-Not So Bad After All

Today my two friends took me out to dinner and forced (for lack of a better term) me to go and see the new Jennifer Aniston movie, Switch. I was really hesitant about seeing the movie because I really had heard nothing about it other than the fact that her character was trying to have a baby on her own. I was hesitant about the movie because I had this idea in my mind that at some point in the movie that she was going to meet a man who would change her mind about having a baby, sweep her off her feet and save the day by getting her prego.

For the first ten minutes I was anticipating just how much I would be able to take before walking out and sitting in the car for it to end. I didn't much care for the silly jokes in the beginning of the movie, but after a bit I settled in and figured that it wasn't so bad after all.

What I enjoyed about it was that she did choose a sperm donor although her male best friend and other people urged her against doing it. It really was a delight seeing a movie where a woman chose to be a single mother. And although the movie ends with the typical happily ever after type of plot that is typical of these movies, I also really enjoyed that the supposedly dorky guy with the quirky and neurotic behavior came in first place.

Although this isn't necessarily the type of movie that I am really drawn to, I'm glad that I made it past the first ten minutes and finished watching it.

Writing Opportunity

Hi all-

I've been off this blog for a bit since I've been working on other web projects elsewhere. There's a particular project that I have been brainstorming with my partner for quite a bit of time, and now we are ready to get started on this one starting next week!

I've mentioned in the past that I was financing a project and that we might need writers for it. So the time has come! Being the kind of "everything is done so much better as a team" kind of gal, I've decided to open the idea up to others that I know on twitter and in the blogosphere who might be interested in getting in on the action. Here is my idea:

We are creating a website about a certain topic (and if you are interested in participating, I will give you more information). I'm financing the site, the design and the marketing piece, and I will also be creating certain products on the site as well as writing and editing. My partner will be writing, editing and coordinating all aspects of the collaborative writing team.

As we are getting started, we wanted to invite interested writers to join us for our launch! My instincts and research are telling me that with the right people on board, that we can create a successful website. So, we are going to pick a handful of people to first start as writers with us because we will be able to generate more content, and the site will receive more exposure if multiple people are also tweeting about it, etc. Since we are just starting out, our primary source of revenue will be google adsense ads and other forms of advertising (which we've been pretty successful on with a couple of other sites that we have been working on).

In a nutshell, we will provide topics to write about (and we will first start with a huge series of biographies) and we will also accept suggestions from writers. We will code all ads that are included on your page with your name and you will receive 70% of all revenue generated from the ads on the pages that you write. The more people that we have involved, the more opportunities for promotion--the more people who visit the site will click around on the various pages and click different ads.

If you are interested, please leave a comment here with your email (I won't publish it), send me a message on twitter if you follow me, or email me at badassfemmes@yahoo.com.

You don't have to be a great writer initially because my partner will help edit some of the work. You don't need experience. You just need to be dedicated and have patience because you will not become a millionaire over night. Oh, who am I kidding, you will never be a millionaire-it's writing. The more that there are of us, the more opportunity for growth and revenue there will be and we will also be able to work together and network with one another in order to improve our writing. My partner and I eventually plan on also creating a private writer's forum for some of us to work together and help one another.

A couple of final things: We will retain the copyright to the material that is written and the content can't be published elsewhere on the web because it will penalize the site in search engines. You can write with no name attached, or you can create a bio with a link back to your site if you would like. You probably won't make more than $500 for a while, but when you do if you plan on making more then you will need to fill out a W2 form to receive further payment which will be paid through paypal or elance.com.  In addition to the revenue generated from the writing, we also have many opportunities planned for additional opportunities to generate revenue and receive bonuses, although these opportunities will take backseat to getting the site up and running.

We're looking for people who want to belong to a community, where we are all working together to promote the pages that we are all writing because this is a collaborative effort! We've experienced success in the past with promoting sites on certain social networks like digg and reddit, so we are also looking to work with our writers to effectively use these sites to promote one another. If you are interested, please contact me soon because we will be starting the project formally next week!! Thanks!! I hope some of you are interested!!

I Can't Get This Crazy Out of My Soul

Last night something really dysfunctional happened to me and I came home and wrote a blog post about it. However, I was so disgusted by what had happened that I erased it. But right now on twitter I saw a tweet about a video that just literally gave me chills on my arms, and I suppose that I feel compelled to write about it.

I have a seriously dysfunctional part of my self that I have tried to erase over the years and have managed to keep buried. That part of myself pops up every once in a while when its triggered by a certain event or type of person.

This part of my personality is probably related to the way that I was raised, in a house full of mental, physical and emotional abuse by a mentally ill mother. It probably also has to do with being raised in a neighborhood marked by severe gang violence, where our disputes were settled with fists or weapons. Over the years it has taken tremendous self discipline and self introspection to not want to settle a disagreement with a punch in the face.

But something that I have never been able to get rid of, nor do I want to, is my attraction to all things dark, painful and macabre. I've always been drawn to suffering and pain in all of its representations-art, music, literature, poetry, movies, and other forms. Perhaps it's a result of my catholic upbringing where the "suffering is beautiful" mentality grew in my mind. It's not that I want pain in my life, or pain in my relationships, but for some eerie reason I just feel that there is something beautiful and liberating about seeing other people in pain. I'm attracted to representations of the tormented soul.

When I was in high school and slightly beyond, I was in an extremely dysfunctional relationship. Jesse was a brilliant artist, musician, song writer, poet, writer, and performer. I was drawn to his creativity and intelligence, and since then I have never met another human soul who posses his intelligence and artistic creativity. Over the years, he became addicted to alcohol, drugs, sex and other risky forms of behavior that only seemed to fuel his artistic brilliance.

Needless to say, our relationship spiraled out of control and I just couldn't break lose. The more dysfunctional it got, the more creative I felt and the more fodder I had to write and paint about. There was nothing so intoxicating to me as expressing the inner most depths of the agony that existed in my (or his) soul. During those years, I created more poetry, writing and paintings than I ever have in my entire life.

Our dysfunction finally reached a point where one night I walked away with a broken hand from punching him and a bruised neck from being choked. Well, I didn't actually walk away, rather escorted away by the police. Hours later the telephone rang with his voice on the other end calling from jail and it was then that I finally decided to change my life. I walked away and never looked back.

Over the years I have had my share of dysfunction, but I have managed to try to erase that secret part of myself that comes out when provoked by people of a certain nature. I did my share of crazy stuff as a young adult to my current boyfriend but it never managed to escalate due to his gift at being able to deescalate conflict.

Flash forward to 2010, when my old high school boyfriend shows up on my door to apologize due to one of the steps in his 12 step program for sobriety. He has managed to completely overhaul his life and although I should have been wary about his ability to quit drugs but not alcohol, I was still compelled to meet with him for dinner to catch up on his art and writing.

It's been a decent six months, where we have remained friends and I have been once again drawn to his brilliance and creativity. My boyfriend has told me that I am an idiot, that it is only a matter of time before I morph into a wacko and knock him over the head with a bottle or something, but I became convinced that twenty years have passed and that we are both different people.

And then last night happened-a lovely night of sushi with my friend and the ex. Somewhere along the line my intuition told me that something bad was going to happen and I should have listened to my gut that we should not have started drinking sake. Hours later, my intuition was affirmed when a minor argument about me being too dominant erupted into a scuffle. Luckily the "red alert" button in my brain told me to get my purse and go immediately because one of us would sooner of later end up bleeding or in jail.

I'm disgusted with myself is all I have to say. I think that I knew deep in my heart all along that it would end up like this, but I didn't listen to my gut because I was so attracted to the allure of his creativity. However, this man brings out the crazy in me that wants to break his nose and see blood running down his face and onto his shirt. I want to seriously hurt him when something that he does or says triggers violence in me.

This is not the person that I want to be. And I know that I should never speak to him again if I want to really erase this part of my personality that I hate so much. I've often wondered if this part of me exists because I was a victim for so many years until one day a counselor told me to hit my mother back and defend myself when she was hurting me. So, I started hitting her back and hitting him back when they hurt me.  Yet now I see that I have become them and I want it to go away.

So this leads me to the video that I saw on twitter today-a video that literally gave me chills and raised the hair on my arms. The video is repulsive to me because I have lived a similar life with my ex where I wasn't so much of a victim, but where we were BOTH victims of one another. I'm repulsed because I know exactly what "I like the way it hurts" means. The video makes me sad that there are young women who are watching this who might be taught that this type of relationship is normal.  But the video also relieves me that I am no longer willing to put myself in this type of situation, no matter how much I am attracted to the brilliant and alluring flames of certain people.

Should I Attend Employees' Special Events and Functions?

I need a little advice!! Where do I even begin?

Many might say (including myself) that I am not the "typical woman". Whatever that means-but it has been told to me over and over throughout my life and so now I am convinced that I don't fit into the stereotypical female box.

I feel that as a result, this has caused me many problems sometimes in my work place. I work primarily with women in an office setting, and many of the other employees that I oversee throughout the institution tend to be women. And for years I have heard over and over again that people are intimidated by me because I often don't relate to them much.

I go to work to WORK. Not to ask about my employees' children, dating practices, personal life, or anything else for that matter. I don't go to work to stand and chat about shoes, makeup, clothes, haircuts and all of that non-work stuff. And frankly I don't like people butting their nose into my personal business, asking me personal questions that should be reserved for people who are my close friends.

My boss is a male who is married but does not have children, while I am not married and I do not have children. I have asked him if women inquire about him not having children and he said that they don't. I asked him if they inquire about his personal life and he said that they don't except when they ask him about where he travels on his vacations.

However, people tend to want to know everything about me. My office staff want to know when I will ever get married. When will I have a baby? Why don't I want to have a baby? What kind of eyeshadow is that, because it looks pretty? Those are cute shoes-where did you get them? Tell me more about your boyfriend?  Did you lose a couple of pounds? Are you tired? Why don't you wear that blue shirt again? In fact, I wrote about it a couple of months ago here.

My secretary and my clerk are the two who circle around me the most wanting to know everything about me. My clerk is a hairdresser, and she constantly wants to cut my hair, straighten my hair for important events, and so on. I come into my office sometimes and I find foofoo things in there like pretty pictures, little ceramic things, pictures, and cute plants because apparently they want to make the office really pretty. Whenever there is a special function, they want all of us to wear the same color and have even wanted to go shopping with me to help me pick out an outfit. Uh!

It's taken me a couple of years to realize that they are just mama bears trying to show me that they care about me, so I have allowed them to put their cute little flowers and all over my office. It's harder for me to tolerate when they want to shove down my throat that they want me to know personal questions about me, like when I ever want to have children.

I am the type of manager where I am not your friend and I don't want to get too close to my employees. I have had to train myself to actually learn about if they have kids and such because apparently that is important to them. But I definitely don't want to go to their kids' birthday parties, a candle party and other events. I was burned a long time ago and I realized that if I get too close to the people that I work with, that it is harder to hold them accountable in the event that I need to, because they think that I am their friend.

My work life is my work life and my private life is my private life. I try not to mix the two as much as possible. Last year it was really hard for me to write up an employee that I was really close to, and as a result all hell broke lose. So I have made a commitment to not get to close to anyone.

But lately, I have been invited increasingly to people's important events. To me that does signify that some of the staff members and teachers are feeling less intimidated by me. But on the other hand, I hate such crap. I hate birthday parties, kid parties (hell no!), weddings, ESPECIALLY baby showers, etc. I hate them! I'm trying to figure out if people just invite me to be polite, or if it's really important for me to be there. Because according to my secretary, it's really important that I be there because it will make people want to follow me more. Uh. Is this true???

A couple of weeks ago one of the teachers in the district invited me to her wedding. I didn't want to go. I HATE HATE HATE weddings. I was going to wiggle out of it, but when I texted her she exhibited anxiety that I might not attend and begged me to please come to the reception. So I went-which I hated, but I pretended to have a good time.

Yesterday I got a baby shower announcement for another teacher in the district. I'm really conflicted because I HATE baby showers, and actually try to avoid them at all costs. My boyfriend is suggesting that I go to the shower, since this teacher has done some work for me in the past when I have needed extra help. I'm of the persuasion that she got paid to do it, so get the hell over it. Not to mention that he would never have to go to a baby shower so what the hell does he know?

In this case I am conflicted. Is it true that if people are going to look up to me as a good leader that I have to go to these important types of events for them? Or, would it be okay to just send a card and possibly a gift? Honestly, I work my ass off like crazy and it doesn't really appeal to me to go and waste a couple of hours of my life with people from work doing something that I really don't want to do.

I don't really want to do any of this, but if it is something that motivates people to follow my vision more then maybe I have to? I don't know. I was reading a book the other day about leadership and it said to care about your employees if you want them to be loyal to you, but does that include having to go to their personal events? And at what point does me going to their personal event cross the border between being a mentor or boss and moving into friend territory?

More Fuel for My Spy Fetish

I consider myself to be a strong woman. As a strong woman, I have often felt that I'm sometimes so deprived of other images of strong women depicted in popular culture that I sometimes feel that I practically salivate when I see the slightest inkling of another strong woman on television, in movies, or in a book.

Well, lately I have been waiting patiently for the movie Salt to open, a movie with Angelina Jolie as a spy. Honestly, I don't even really care for action or spy movies. I don't even really care for many movies. I hardly even know what the movie is about. All I know is that Angelina Jolie is in the movie and she is accused of being a spy. And that she wears suits and jumps around and does stunts. Oh yeah.




The LA Times wrote a review of the movie Salt, and according to reviewer they claim that although the plot line is nothing to write home about that the stunts that Angelica Jolie performs are worth it. So this evening at 5:10, I'm packing up my shit and going to see the flick with my girls.

Other than the fact that I've always admired Angelina Jolie for being such an unconventional woman, these are the reasons why I am getting sucked into this movie:

• I've got a spy fetish. I want to be a top secret spy who whoreishly seduces top political officials into bed, getting them to spill state secrets. And then I want to sell those state secrets for tons of money to other powerful men in suits, stealing their state secrets in the process as I drive off into the sunset with lots of money.
• I've got a thing for Russian men, even when they are fat and ugly. I'm sure that anyone who has suffered from some of their brutality or has been terrorized by the Russian mob wouldn't appreciate my obsession. But what can I say.
• I love movies where women perform many of their own stunts. I salivate over movies where women run, jump, shoot, kick ass and escape people who are chasing them. I'm sure that this won't top Kill Bill Part One for me, but at least it will feed my need to see women jumping all over the place doing things that men think that we can't do.
• I'm hoping that although she is yelling out "I've been framed" that she is really a master seductress and liar. I hope she ropes us all into thinking through the entire film that she has been set up, and then we find out all along that she is that damn good of a spy that we all believed her. Because I love devious women oh so much.

In three hours, yours truly will be sitting in the movie theater. Please, please, please don't let this one be a disappointment.

If This is Me Being a Wack Job, Then It's Obvious That You Are a Total Idiot

I'm super entertained with something that recently happened to me on twitter, so I just thought I would put it down in writing. The reason why I am so entertained is because I was actually on my best behavior (and some of you who know me well will know exactly what I am talking about in a minute), yet I was labeled a wack job by none other than a petty, meddling woman.

Yesterday I tweeted that I went to dinner with a number of married women and one began to lecture me about not being married. One of the main culprits is actually married to a low life pissant who does nothing to help her at home or take care of the children. So logically I was quite irritated when she continued to lecture me over and over that she was sooooo worried that I am not married. Poor little ole me.

As I sat there I began to get increasingly irritated because I have had it up to here with women who want to shove their lifestyle down my throat and delegitimize my lifestyle, since I have been in a pretty happy relationship with a man for over 13 years. I tried to calmly explain to this woman that I am just fine, that I am happy, and that I don't really want to be married because I am just fine with my relationship. I'm of the persuasion that I don't need a piece of paper or ceremony in order to be committed. Plus, I made a decision long ago that out of solidarity for my love of the gay and lesbian community, that I will never marry until they have the right to do so. But then again I probably still wouldn't get married.

I tried to calmly explain all of this to her, and then I just had enough of her condescending attitude and I said, "Why don't you worry about your lazy ass husband who doesn't lift a finger to help you instead of being so concerned about my relationship?"

When I got home I tweeted about this situation and I said:

Me: I am convinced that married women who are miserable want U to be married so that we can all be miserable together

One of my followers responded that she shared my sentiment about some people forcing the marriage issue on those of us who choose not to be married. Apparently she retweeted me, and apparently one of her followers responded to both of us. She said:

Her: misery does love company but there are some of us mrs who have amazing marriages ... we want you to have that too!

Now, this borderlines on more or less the same thing that I was frustrated with over dinner--some married people who unintentionally or intentionally want to shove marriage down our throats. I was going to be a bitch, but then I figured that I didn't even know who this lady was, so I just figured that I would bite my tongue, but still state my opinion. Because that's what I do-state my opinion and engage in dialogue. So I said:

Me: why? I've been in a happy relationship for over 13 years. Why assume that I have to be married to be as happy as you??

I was speaking generally, and if I really wanted to be aggressive, most of you who know me well know that I would have been happy to be a total bitch if I wanted.

Nonetheless, she responded:

Her: simmer down now! no assumptions made just said that people generally what you to have what they have good or bad ...

Her: defensive much?!

The "defensive much" comment was slightly irritating, but since I like and respect the woman who had originally retweeted my tweet, I figured that I wouldn't give this lady a tongue lashing. (I should have known by then that the person who had sent me a tweet is too mentally dense to be able to engage in a discussion about this topic). But I did decide to state my opinion and I said:

 

Me: I don't. I don't want ppl to want what I have. I could really care less how people live their lives.

Because I DON'T care. It's none of my business how people decide to live their lives.  I've never in my life tried to impose my relationship on someone, or wish people to have a relationship like mine. Because frankly I have better things to think about, and I know that some people wouldn't be happy with my style of relationship. Then she said:

Her: dial back the hostility and perhaps he'll put a ring on it ... sorry couldn't resist

Hostility? This bitch ain't seen nothin' yet. I'm hostile because I say that I could care less with how other people live their lives? Shit, I'm not a match maker! So I finally decided to tell her that I thought she was condescending, although I was still on my best behavior:

Me: thats the condescending attitude I am talking about. I dont want or need a ring to be in committed relationship

She said: 

Her: you sure are right you don't need a ring to be committed some people like you just require a straight jacket! #whackjob

I said:

Me: and frankly, to assume that I'm hostile because I say I don't need a ring is quite ignorant

The she said: 

Her: I am definitely NOT ignorant ... you're just a hostile, negative, toxic person - with or without a ring or a man

And then suddenly, as if we were in high school, she tweets a couple of other people about me being a wack job. Um, and who the hell are these new people? As if I give a shit about them.  Oh you have no idea how entertained I am, because you have no idea what kind of good behavior I was on. Well, maybe some of you do. She said:

Her: @OurDesignedLife  @ZiaPriven this total #whackjob @wickedbitch chimed in something I said to @MsAnneK & went ape shit

Ape shit? If ape shit is defined by me saying that I don't care about how other people live their life, then I guess I am guilty as charged. What is triple entertaining to me is the "I responded to so and so and she attacked me"-although her stupid ass was the first person to contact me and start throwing blows with making statements about the "maybe if you do x, y, and x then he will marry you" silliness.

This only supports my theory that women who try to shove the "I want you to be married so that you can be as happy as me" are nothing but petty women doing nothing more than attempting to disguise their misery by acting as if their way of living is superior than or more normal than those of us who choose not to marry but live as single women or live in unmarried, committed relationships.

For a tiny minute, I thought, "And why the hell am I a feminist again when they are far too many petty, condescending bitches like this in the world?" But then I remembered that there are tons of cool married women who don't act like the beforementioned asshole and I set my mind straight. 

P.S. to the assholes: Go ahead and leave your highschoolesque comments if you chose. I don't give a shit. In fact, you are quite the entertainment.

So Why Again Do you Like Being Single, Freak???

I've definitely never have been a Danielle Steel fan, but this morning on Good Morning America (or whatever show I was watching) I was quite impressed when I heard that she has sold over half a million copies of all her books, and that all of her books have been on the bestseller list. So I'll qualify her today as a bad ass, although she writes stupid romantic books. And by the way I'm making an assumption that she writes stupid romantic books, because I've only read one stupid romantic book of hers when I was a teenager and I'm just making an assumption they are all like that. So what the hell do I really know? But talking crap about shit that I know nothing about seems to be a habit of mine when I am raging from major PMS.

One thing though that really irritated me about the whole interview was that although she has sold bestseller titles of every single book that she has written, the interviewer began talking about her nine children (or was it six) and then suddenly turned to the topic of her being divorced.

This is me paraphrasing my shady memory of the conversation:

"So I heard that you like being single. Why is that?" the interviewer asked with what I perceived as a condescending smile on her face. Well, because as you know, those of us who actually like being single MUST be freaks.

"Because I'm able to do what I want, when I want. I can eat what I want. I can wear what I want and don't have to listen to someone complaining about my dress. I can have friends and not have someone complaining that they don't like my friends", Danielle Steel said. Now remember, I am paraphrasing from my PMS and forgetful memory, but at least I'm getting the general gist across of the discussion.

The interviewer then launched into a discussion of Danielle Steel going on blind dates. And the entire time I just felt like there was a subtle air of condescension in the tone of her voice.

Why do I really give a shit about Danielle Steel being single? And I can't even remember the last time that I heard someone ask a man to justify why they enjoyed being single. Why the hell would you even ask someone WHY they enjoy being single if they in fact had stated that they enjoyed being single? The whole act of asking someone for clarification as to WHY they enjoy singlehood subtly implies that there is something abnormal about enjoying being single.

What they should have been discussing is the new book that Steel was there to promote, or maybe about how damn genius she must be to crank out three books at a time and still achieve best seller status with every title. But no, none of that really matters because we've got to discuss why exactly Steel likes being single.

Rock on Danielle and keep writing your silly (I think. But what do I know?) bestselling books!

Sing it Sista: PMS Blues

Okay mujeres and hombres, yours truly is singing this song today at the top of my lungs. Sing it sista! OMG I love the lyrics to this song!



Watch out!

I Don't Feel Like Myself Anymore

I have the urge to write since I haven't been writing anything lately, but I just feel that my mind is currently too scrambled to probably write down a coherent string of thoughts. But I will still try, since I know that writing in the past has been an outlet for me and somewhat of a release valve for whatever frustration or feelings that may be pent up inside.

It's been a bit of time that I have felt that I am just not myself anymore. I don't know who this new woman is, and in a way I don't like her. But in another way I also feel that I am at the point where I am evolving into someone else and that this state of disequilibrium will turn out fine in the end.

I can't even remember when it first started. Looking back something possibly tells me that it began sometime at the end of January, or possibly the beginning of February. I don't even know what event kicked off this new persona who is living inside of my head and body.

Over the past five or six months I have had a crazy series of never ending events that might be contributing to how I am feeling.  I just don't know what exactly is causing this strange feeling that I am feeling inside of not being myself and not knowing who I am anymore.

I feel like I am being haunted by demons. Demons who want to break me and drag me into hell, metaphorically speaking. Demons and cobwebs of secret past lives that I have never really discussed in the online realm, although I may have alluded to with certain people online. The layers and layers of masks that I carry around are becoming all blended and blurred and are starting to all bleed into one another into one big incomprehensible mess.

I've always been a master at compartmentalizing different parts of myself and my psyche, but lately it has become increasingly and increasingly more complex to juggle and manage as each persona that I carry inside seems to be blending into one while some of them disappear.

I probably sound like a loon, but one great thing about me is that I have never really given a shit what anyone thinks about me because I love myself. All I know is that just by writing this that I am instantly feeling better, and I am realizing that my need to sometimes air my own dirty laundry should have been done a couple of months ago before I starting morphing into some woman who I can barely recognize.

Where did this all begin? Was it when the ex from one of my secret lives who I have hated for years showed up on my door step begging for forgiveness and compassion, and letting me know that he contracted HIV a while back and therefore wanted to make amends? I was completely unprepared to feel the feeling of forgiveness that I felt in my heart towards him. It's as if I can hardly even comprehend how easy it was to forgive someone who caused so much fucking devastation in my life.

Or was it when I finally snapped in my heart towards my father a while back? No, that really didn't even make me bat an eye. Perhaps it was when my heart just completely turned off towards my mother when I made the final decision to cut her out of my life on Valentine's Day-the day where I realized that I just can't go on anymore living my life with such a crazy nut in my life.

Maybe though it was when I contracted the flu from my cousin, and although I managed to beat it quickly I also had to take care of my cousin who contracted pneumonia and other complications that debilitated her for almost six weeks. Being sick myself while helping her take care of her little bratty kid while also watching her get fired from her work for being sick was very physically and emotionally taxing, indeed.

I also suspect that having my boyfriend get arrested (but immediately released and not charged) because of his stupid drug addict brother didn't help any. My boyfriend getting fired from his successful job put the icing on the cake for me. But honestly, a part of myself has been frustrated and jealous that my boyfriend walked away from a $ 150, 000 job after whistle blowing corrupt assholes and telling them to suck his dick, while going back to his community activist roots. As he spouts off his mouth in Arizona and organizes for get out the vote, I envy his freedom and am experiencing an internal conflict. This is a topic that I will have to revisit in another post, because it is much more complex than something that can be discussed in one paragraph.

Who knows if it was when another cousin stole money and jewelery from my house, and I effectively wrote my whole huge family off with the exception of only one cousin (who I will get to in a bit, because she is next on the chopping block). It feels liberating, but quite frustrating that I wasted so many years of my life surrounded by family assholes.

Or maybe it's the political aspect of my job that seems to be spiraling out of control, which causes such a deep feeling of disappointment in the democrats because they are actually putting into place what Bush could only write down on paper-the selling out and dismantling of the public education system to asshole corporate and business interests.

I definitely know that knowing at least five people under fifty years old who have passed away in the past five months has not helped a bit.

About two months ago, my ex mentioned to me that it was the 20 year anniversary that I lost my virginity (lol). I finally made a confession to him that I never told him and he apologized for not having known about it. "Don't worry about it. That was twenty years ago", I said.  And ever since that moment that I said "That was twenty years ago",  I have never been the same. It's as if it rocked my world that twenty years passed since a certain bad incident in my life happened, and I have wasted far too many years holding hatred over it. I've never been one to feel bad about getting older-in fact, I celebrate aging because I can aspire to have the wisdom and inner peace that comes along with age. It's just that this was the first time in my life where it has maybe actually finally occurred to me that I am a grown adult, and only four years younger than my mother was when I graduated from high school. It's bizarre and humbling at the same time.

I can go on about a few other crazy events that have happened over the past couple of months, but why bother. All I know is that they have changed me in some way and I don't know if I will ever be the same person that I was six months ago.

Six months ago I worshiped my body like a divinity, exercising, eating well, sleeping well, and the whole gamut. Yet for the past four months or so I barely exercise anymore, I eat crap for food, and I drink and whore around like a damn sailor. Well, maybe I should put that in past tense because ever since last Saturday I hung up my party shoes and am trying to get back into the stellar shape that I used to be.

The truth of the matter is that it has not been just a bad six months. It's been a bad three years where certain people tried to wear me down and break me. And so logically the craziness of these last five months have just almost pushed me over the edge into almost making me snap and break.

But I won't. Because I am a fighter. And I am a resilient.

In reality I have always been a fighter and I have kicked, scratched and clawed my way up through the mud that people have dragged me through my whole life. It just happened to get increasingly worse three years ago once I got promoted.

But now I am sick of tired of living a life where every idiot around me tries to dull my brilliance because they project their inadequacy and weakness onto me. I'm tired of living a life of people telling me that something can't be done or something isn't realistic for me to do. I'm tired of pitching ideas to people who label me as unrealistic, only to find that five to eight years later my once "unrealistic" idea is the cutting edge trend. I'm tired of being too innovative for my profession. And I'm tired of making myself stay in it because I have a unrealistic perception that what I am doing might just make a difference with a few kids and will make this community a better place.

So here I am, not knowing what the hell is wrong with me, but knowing deep down inside that I am going to come out a better woman for it. It's just that I am kicking, screaming and resisting changing certain aspects of myself that I really love and cherish, but that I also know maybe might not be who I really should be. And honestly I don't even know if that makes any sense.

So here I go, trying to embrace this process of change. Who knows where I will end up, or if I will ever get the woman back that I have been for most of my adult years or if I am on a totally different path towards the unknown.

Only time will tell, I suppose.

Treat Yourself: Women's Pajamas!

There is probably something that you don't know about me, and that secret is that I am an addict of women's pajamas! I love pajamas of all types, and I really look forward to coming home after a long day of work in order to slip into a comfortable, relaxing, or sexy pair of pajamas. So logically I was pretty pleased when I came upon a website where you can buy women's pajamas of various styles!! It was like being in womens pajamas heaven!

At www.womenspajamas.com, you can find over 1, 000 different types of pajamas for women ranging from flannel pajamas to sexy pajamas. The site is easily organized, which makes for an easy navigation in order to find the best pajamas that suit your particular personality. There is also a wide range of prices available, from lower priced to top of the line lines of pajamas for women.

I honestly feel like I am a kid in a candy shop because I am dazzled with all the cute colors and variations! I just can't figure out which pajamas I want first! I want all of them!

"You Better Learn to Have Nerves of Steel"

In January I blogged about an up and coming Latina teacher who was young, talented and ambitious. At the time she was sitting in my office, crying her little heart out because her principal and vice principal weren't helping her with her leadership potential or a leadership project that she had to complete for one of her classes.

I eventually had to intervene, and assisted with her to put in a couple of transfers to some other schools which would allow her to better develop her potential. I contacted two principals and told them that she was putting in a transfer to their sites and that I recommended her. I don't particularly care for one of the principals because she often tries to make herself seem like she is better or more knowledgeable than me. But it's not about my relationship with this lady, and I recommended this young teacher to transfer to her school because I have heard that she is pretty competent and I also think that she would be a good role model as a Latina manager.

About a week ago, I ran into the principal that I really don't care for and she said loudly in front of other managers, "I thought that you said Elisa (pseudonym) was the best of the best. Didn't you highly recommend her? Well, I just interviewed her". And she squinted her face.

"She has a lot of potential," I said.

"A lot of potential? I thought you said that you highly recommended her! I mean, she looked really well on paper, but her interview was another thing. Didn't you highly recommend her?" she asked.

I said, "What are you talking about? So she's shy-so what. She has a lot of potential and I thought that you would have appreciated that I recommended her to you". Our meeting suddenly began and so we stopped discussing the topic.

Today the young teacher made an appointment with me because she wanted feedback on a project that she is working on for her leadership class. At one point in the conversation, I asked, "So, what have been some unintended outcomes that you have learned as a result of the project? Have you learned anything specifically regarding your own personal development?"

And she started crying hysterically once again. She suddenly blurted out, "Everyone tries to make me feel stupid. Even the other day when I was at the interview with that principal, she was really intimidating and condescending to me. She talked down to me the entire time and I started thinking that what I was saying was stupid".

(Note to self: Don't ever, ever, ever, ever again put a fragile girl like this in a situation such as this. Why, why, oh why did you actually think that if this principal is insecure with you, that she wouldn't be insecure with another woman?)

The young teacher continued to try not to make herself cry, and she admitted that as a result of the environment that she has been in for two years at a certain school that she has now started to see a counselor. "That's good," I suggested. "We all need to talk to somebody".

But as our meeting went on, I began to understand that her difficulties are so much more than the simple explanation that her feelings are being hurt. In fact, she's being blocked and undermined everywhere she goes.

Her Latino family puts her down and makes her ambition into a joke at family functions. Many people in her extended family put her down for going to school, for getting multiple degrees and for wanting to be a leader. My advice to her? "Stop telling them things. Who gives a fuck what they think. Don't go around them much. Don't let them project their insecurities onto you".

Her next issue? She has been taught to respect authority as a Latina, and to feel Latina and Catholic guilt that I'm sure many Latina/os know exactly what I'm talking about. My advice: "I don't know what to tell you, girl. Stop being apologetic, and mimic what the white folk do and say, as well as how they act sometimes. They have no problem with being assertive.  Don't silence yourself. But you better recognize that what is labeled as assertive when a white person does it will be labeled as aggressive when coming from you. Just suck it up and don't let it bother you."

At the end of our meeting I told her, "You have a triple burden. You are an ambitious woman, so they will try to hold you back.  You are a Latina, so you will face racism. And you are also going to have to get shit from your very own family and Latino community, many of whom will try to put you down as well. You better learn to have nerves of steel".

So she went on her merry little way, quite happy and content. But all evening there has been a nagging feeling in my head that there are so many women out there who don't have support systems and mentors to help them achieve their full potential. If it's not that, it's the fact that they have men or family members in their lives who aren't pulling their weight and are holding them back from achieving their dreams.

Women of color have an even more uphill battle because they have to fight against all of the typical obstacles, as well as navigate in a system that is not responsive to diversity. We have to fight against the typical bullshit that all successful women have to face, but we're also have to fight against racism and bigotry. And we also sometimes have to fight against some of our own families and communities.

But we can all move forward if we continue to mentor one another and build one another up when the world is constantly trying to tear all of us down.